I still open my dad's bottle of cologne and take a deep breath, just to feel closer to him. You write so beautifully, with an openness not many can express. Thank you for this post. Thank you for being you. And it's okay not to be okay. (cue Jelly Roll "I Am Not Okay.")
I feel that in my soul, Lee 🫶🏻 thank you so much for the kind words and for reading. I listened to the song you recommended by Jelly Roll and it inspired the closing lines of this essay. ☺️
Reading your post, I was instantly reminded of your mom. To you, she may have looked like Princess Diana, but to me, as a little girl, she resembled Marie Fredriksson from Roxette. The same smile—full of life, boldness, and bravery—always radiating positivity, softness, and kindness. She was always protective of her kids (at that time, only your brother, since you were still just a dream). I can almost hear her voice saying, "Dziewczynki, pobawcie się z Radusiem."
After your family moved to Canada, I found my new home in New York. Not long after, I visited your family in Toronto and met you as a small, maybe two-year-old girl (Summer of 1993). I still have a picture in an old album, with your mom leaning protectively over you. Those protective angel wings will never leave you.
And neither will your dad's love. He couldn't stop bragging about you during his calls to my mom, always wishing for you to feel loved and protected. I'm so happy to read that you're surrounded by the love of your own family, and that the memories of your parents keep them eternally alive.
Sending you and Radus;) the warmest holiday wishes.
It's such a pleasant surprise to hear from you. Thank you for sharing your reflections. It's so fascinating to hear another perspective. I love that you thought she looked like Marie Fredriksson. I can totally see it! Especially with her personality when she was her free-spirited self. I feel like I remember when you visited. If I'm not mistaken, I remember distinctly you wearing a necklace that I couldn't stop admiring as a tiny child. It was heart shaped I think, clear with little colorful things floating inside. Or we played with something like that. If it's the photo you're describing, I think I have the same one in an old album. Thank you so much for reading my post. As I spill my guts on the internet. Hope you are well... wishing you and your family a Merry Christmas!
Thank you for reading Renee <3 and your kind words. Grief is such a complex feeling, and so unique to everyone. I can only attempt to paint how it feels for me, hoping it resonates with at least one person out there who shares the feeling.
Jen ❤️ thank you for reading. 19 year old me eagerly accepts a hug. 🫂 I like to think Mom is always with me, guiding me along in subtle ways. It was a hard first few years. But now that I have my own family and little one… those wounds are only a sting on occasion. 🥹 thinking back on the heavy hitters and putting them in writing. I think “come ugly cry with me” will be the name of it haha!
I’m ugly crying with you. I remember when you moved to Ajax, and your mother’s beauty and warmth and kindness every time I entered your house. Even at 16, she left such an impact.
I’m so sorry for the heartbreak you experienced and the loneliness you felt alongside that. It’s amazing how the pain of losing someone you love creeps back in just when you think you’re past the worst of it.
I’ll never forget those days. You were an anchor for me. She loved you too and always asked about you :) “Meh-Leesa” ;)! These days the memories come in snapshots… and it only stings for a moment. But I want to try and give them a space on this blog. Thank you for reading ❤️
Ooooof well I'm definitely ugly crying now. Kat- that was so beautifully heartbreaking. The way you described each feeling and story made me feel like I was a fly in the wall, watching your heart shatter as you did your best to sweep up the pieces. Thank you for letting me into this corner of your mind. I cannot get enough of your writing. Love you endlessly xoxoxo
Love you endlessly 🖤 …that means the world to me! It was a tough time back then. I want to make an effort to write more. Trying to give all of these memories a place in writing :)
I still open my dad's bottle of cologne and take a deep breath, just to feel closer to him. You write so beautifully, with an openness not many can express. Thank you for this post. Thank you for being you. And it's okay not to be okay. (cue Jelly Roll "I Am Not Okay.")
I feel that in my soul, Lee 🫶🏻 thank you so much for the kind words and for reading. I listened to the song you recommended by Jelly Roll and it inspired the closing lines of this essay. ☺️
Reading your post, I was instantly reminded of your mom. To you, she may have looked like Princess Diana, but to me, as a little girl, she resembled Marie Fredriksson from Roxette. The same smile—full of life, boldness, and bravery—always radiating positivity, softness, and kindness. She was always protective of her kids (at that time, only your brother, since you were still just a dream). I can almost hear her voice saying, "Dziewczynki, pobawcie się z Radusiem."
After your family moved to Canada, I found my new home in New York. Not long after, I visited your family in Toronto and met you as a small, maybe two-year-old girl (Summer of 1993). I still have a picture in an old album, with your mom leaning protectively over you. Those protective angel wings will never leave you.
And neither will your dad's love. He couldn't stop bragging about you during his calls to my mom, always wishing for you to feel loved and protected. I'm so happy to read that you're surrounded by the love of your own family, and that the memories of your parents keep them eternally alive.
Sending you and Radus;) the warmest holiday wishes.
Sabi
It's such a pleasant surprise to hear from you. Thank you for sharing your reflections. It's so fascinating to hear another perspective. I love that you thought she looked like Marie Fredriksson. I can totally see it! Especially with her personality when she was her free-spirited self. I feel like I remember when you visited. If I'm not mistaken, I remember distinctly you wearing a necklace that I couldn't stop admiring as a tiny child. It was heart shaped I think, clear with little colorful things floating inside. Or we played with something like that. If it's the photo you're describing, I think I have the same one in an old album. Thank you so much for reading my post. As I spill my guts on the internet. Hope you are well... wishing you and your family a Merry Christmas!
Beautifully written. It's so hard to describe true grief, your imagery definitely painted the picture. I can't wait to read more, keep writing. <3
Thank you for reading Renee <3 and your kind words. Grief is such a complex feeling, and so unique to everyone. I can only attempt to paint how it feels for me, hoping it resonates with at least one person out there who shares the feeling.
Oh Katrin. This is such a beautiful post. I want to give 19 year old you a hug. Your mom would be so proud of what you’ve built. Xx
Jen ❤️ thank you for reading. 19 year old me eagerly accepts a hug. 🫂 I like to think Mom is always with me, guiding me along in subtle ways. It was a hard first few years. But now that I have my own family and little one… those wounds are only a sting on occasion. 🥹 thinking back on the heavy hitters and putting them in writing. I think “come ugly cry with me” will be the name of it haha!
I’m ugly crying with you. I remember when you moved to Ajax, and your mother’s beauty and warmth and kindness every time I entered your house. Even at 16, she left such an impact.
I’m so sorry for the heartbreak you experienced and the loneliness you felt alongside that. It’s amazing how the pain of losing someone you love creeps back in just when you think you’re past the worst of it.
I’ll never forget those days. You were an anchor for me. She loved you too and always asked about you :) “Meh-Leesa” ;)! These days the memories come in snapshots… and it only stings for a moment. But I want to try and give them a space on this blog. Thank you for reading ❤️
Ooooof well I'm definitely ugly crying now. Kat- that was so beautifully heartbreaking. The way you described each feeling and story made me feel like I was a fly in the wall, watching your heart shatter as you did your best to sweep up the pieces. Thank you for letting me into this corner of your mind. I cannot get enough of your writing. Love you endlessly xoxoxo
Love you endlessly 🖤 …that means the world to me! It was a tough time back then. I want to make an effort to write more. Trying to give all of these memories a place in writing :)